Sisterly Love

Big girls don’t cry, ‘member? Just something I’ll learn to deal with.

Katie stared into the mirror on the front of the bathroom cabinet. The girl looking back wasn’t the one she was used to seeing. The soft, long, dark waves of her hair had been replaced by short limp, dank strands that draped loosely around her face, and the porcelain doll tone of her skin was blotched and reddened. Dark marks encircled her eyes in testimony to how little sleep she’d had and there were lines of salt where tears had dried on her cheeks.

Big girls don’t cry, ‘member?

Just a couple of months ago, the sight of this apparition in the mirror would’ve been cause for a shriek of horror and an undignified scramble for the mousse before anyone spotted her. Today, however, Katie could raise no more energy than to flip the cabinet door open and grab her toothbrush, banishing the bedraggled reflection to face the wall.

Just something I’ll learn to deal with.

Her little sister’s catchphrase kept echoing in her head. It used to drive her absolutely spare to hear Michelle spout the same line to any kind of mild hardship or effort, but those few words seemed to be summing up her life at the moment.
 
Tears brimmed at the edge of her eyelids again and Katie took a deep breath, trying to hold them in. Just something to learn to deal with. Nothing more than that, and nothing to get upset about. She felt her lips move, almost of their own volition. “Big girls don’t cry,” she whispered, her throat hoarse and raw. “Big girls don’t cry, ‘member?”

A tear rolled down her cheek and Katie bit down hard on her lower lip, desperate to stop it trembling. She reached for the toothpaste, trying to lose herself in simple, mechanical ritual. She hadn’t time for this kind of self-indulgence.

There was a clattering sound and Katie suddenly realised she was trembling, shaking so much that she was rattling the mould-encrusted mug of toothbrushes against the sink. She pulled her hand back sharply and stared at it as though she’d never seen it before.

“Stop it, Katie,” she said, glowering at her hand. “There is nothing wrong with you.” She squeezed her fingers into a fist so tight that her nails dug into her palms and forced her reflection to meet her eyes. “You are healthy, you’re in a good university and in a great life. You are fine.”

The reflection didn’t look convinced. In fact, she looked as though she was going to start crying any moment. Katie stared at her, wondering who this stranger was.

“You are fine,” she repeated, less certainly. She uncoiled her fists and forced herself to take a deep slow breath, trying to ignore the steel band that was welded tight around her lungs. Then, she stretched out a hand to the toothbrush mug again. This time, it didn’t shake and Katie allowed herself a small smile. She didn’t have time for this kind of histrionics today.

*              *              *

“Katie!”

The squeal cut through the hubbub of Paddington station and Katie looked up from the mirrored shop window. Her short hair was tamed and she’d done her best to cover any signs of stress with makeup, but she was convinced that she’d missed some sign that would show through and advertise her self-indulgent idiocy to the world.

“Katie!” Her little sister bounced through the crowd, a beaming smile lighting up her face and Katie felt her own lips curving into a rare unforced grin. Impeccably suited businessmen glowered as Michelle forced her way through, dragging her bags after her and leaving a string of insincere “Sorry!”s floating behind her.

Then she was there, dropping her bags, flinging her arms around Katie’s neck, squeezing tight and jabbering ninety to the dozen in her ear.

“Oh my god Katie you would not believe my journey there were all these hwoon dahns talking with their phones and nowhere to sit and I couldn’t afford anything from the café on the train and god my feet hurt so much you would not believe and you look fantastic and it’s so good to see you!”

She released her older sister as she ran out of breath and beamed at her with the infectious enthusiasm of a teenager let loose on the world. She’d got taller since Katie’d gone back to uni and it only accentuated her teenage gawkiness. A long braid stretched down almost to her hips and her denim jacket was covered with badges that clicked together as she moved. The beautiful and graceful adult that she would become was present, but still covered up by several layers of fourteen-year-oldness.

Michelle noticed the scrutiny and twirled, raising her arms above her head. “What d’you think, huh? Da bien hwa, boo shi mah?”

“What?”

The grin faded a little. “No glasses! See? Mum let me get contacts last week, finally. Don’t I look wan mei woo che?”

Katie sighed in mock resignation. “What language are you speaking now, genius?”

The grin bounced back again, twice as wide. “Mandarin. Isn’t it cool? I love it so much; it’s way better than English! Why say ‘station’ when you can say hu-oche zan?”

“Because people understand ‘station’?”

Michelle giggled. “They understand hu-oche zan too if you say it enough! Mum’s threatened to kick me out the house if I don’t stop speaking in tongues. She can be so mei yi si!” She flashed a cheeky smile at her sister and started arranging her bags. “It’s just such a pretty language and I need to practise thinking in it if I’m gonna take it as an extra A-Level. Did you say we were doing food?”

Katie looked at the suitcase, sports bag, rucksack, and assorted collection of carrier bags with an arched eyebrow. “Sure you’ve got enough there?”

“Not you too!” Michelle juggled the bags from hand to hand, trying to free one more finger for the last carrier bag, waving off the offer of help. “I’ve got them; it’s okay! Mum wanted me to leave some of it at home too.”

Another bag slipped out of her grasp and Michelle juggled it to the ground, releasing a string of Mandarin invective. Katie stepped in and plucked the remaining handles out of her sister’s reach. “How can you need that much for just a weekend?”

“I like being prepared!” Michelle flexed her fingers, which were turning white under the strain and then beamed at her sister. “Rea-dy!” she sing-songed. “You can show me every detail of your big city life now.”

Katie smiled again and on instinct wrapped her free arm around her sister’s shoulders. “You’re so cute.”

Michelle wriggled free and pouted. “Cute is for children and kittens! I’m shi chuan shi mei!”

“And what does that mean then?”

The grin returned, doubled in size. “Nothing short of perfect!”

She shrugged her bags up on her shoulders again and used her one free hand to grab Katie’s, leading her towards the station exit and the city beyond. “So, tell me everything.”

“Everything?” Katie placed an arm across her sister’s chest to stop her vibrating into the traffic with excitement. “Well, first there was darkness, and then there was the word. And that word was ‘Bugger’, as God stubbed his toe…”

“Kay-tie!” Michelle protested. “Don’t be yu chun!” A tiny gap in traffic opened and Michelle started moving before Katie stopped her again.

“Mi!” Katie kept a firm hold on the collar of her sister’s jacket until the crossing turned green and then walked her across. “London isn’t Tormarton. You’ll get run over if you try that here.”

Michelle wriggled free of her grasp, screwing up her face in an expression of distaste. “We could’ve made it! Where’s your sense of misadventure?”

“Like I’d ever hear the end of it from mum if I didn’t return you in one piece.”

The aura of excitement that’d surrounded Michelle since her arrival faded slightly and the everpresent grin dimmed slightly. “She’d barely even notice.”

Katie stopped to look at her little sister. “Still that bad, huh?”

“She’s still on ‘leave’ for stress,” Michelle said. Her gaze dropped to examine the pavement and her fingers fumbled awkwardly with her bags. “Basically sitting at home with beer and old photos of dad, crying all day.” She raised her eyes to Katie, looking up at her as if she could explain everything. “It’s been six months since that ching-wah cao duh liou mang disappeared and she’s barely even left the house.”

Katie placed her arm around her sister’s shoulders again and this time Michelle didn’t shrug it off. The world seemed to quieten around them and Katie let out a deep, long sigh, taking comfort in her comforting.

“Katie?”

“Uh-huh?”

“We’re standing still in the middle of the pavement and we’re getting weird looks.”

A small laugh escaped Katie’s lips and she released her sister. “I thought you liked getting weird looks.”

Michelle shuffled her shoulders, shifting the bags around. “A time and a place, chin ai de jieh jieh.” She took a second to balance her ballast and then looked up at Katie with a grin. “So, are we lunching, or what?”

*              *              *

Katie took a deep breath and closed her eyes, waiting for the dizziness to leave her. The world span and she leaned forward on the sink, trying to reassure herself with the feel of solid porcelain under her hands.

“What are you doing?” she muttered. Her sister was out there and she was locking herself in the bathroom. This wasn’t the time.

She stared into the mirror, as though the answers she sought could be found in her own reflection. This was insane; she was hiding in the bathroom from problems that she was supposed to be taking the weekend off from thinking about. She was supposed to be taking care of Michelle, not cowering at the thought of her coursework. She wasn’t supposed to be thinking about their parents, or Ryan, or that new girlfriend that he was so blissfully happy with. She wasn’t supposed to be thinking about how little she understood of her lectures and how badly she’d failed that practice paper she’d taken. How few of the answers she could even guess at. How she was going to get kicked out of university. How she didn’t have anywhere to go. How she didn’t have anything she could do. How she…

A barely strangled sob choked from her throat and Katie bit down hard on her lower lip. The skin split with a searing bolt of pain and the metallic taste of blood filled her mouth. Colours swam in front of her eyes and Katie struggled for oxygen as the iron fist squeezing her chest tightened its grip. Her legs slipped from under her and she dropped, landing hard on her knees. Her hands coiled into fists as she curled up into a ball and she beat at her temples, trying to force this feeling out of her. A hot coal burned in her chest and Katie knew that if she just opened her mouth she would cry without ceasing, an endless torrent of misery that could never empty her completely. She grabbed her wrist and dug her nails deep into her own skin, revelling in the acid that seared through her entire arm, just needing something to react to, some way to act. A silent scream burned through her head, repeating over and over and over. ‘God, make it stop, please god make it stop make it stop make it stop make it sto…’

“Katie?”

Michelle’s tentative knock seemed deafening and Katie opened her eyes, squinting against the light that seemed suddenly so bright. Could she go back out there? Could she push everything back down and pretend to be okay?

“You coming back to watch the film, or what? The chocolates are going fast!”

Katie hauled herself to her feet and wiped away the tears with the balls of her hands, quickly and deftly covering the turmoil with oft-practised motions. “Be just two seconds!”

Within moments, the reflection stared back at her, looking like a normal, sensible girl again. Looking how she should look, how she should be. Katie composed her face into a smile and then turned back to life as she knew it.

Michelle was lying face down on the bed, digging through the box of chocolates with one hand, in the dim, flickering light of the television. The other hand toyed idly with the remote control, twirling it effortlessly around her fingers. She turned her head to flash a grin at her sister, then looked back at the television. Katie folded herself down on the edge of the bed, resting a hand on her sister’s shoulder.

The remote twirled smoothly around into Michelle’s palm and she flicked the television to mute. “Ni mei shi ba?”
 
“You realise that you could be making these words up and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, don’t you?”

Michelle twisted around to look back, her face absolutely solemn. “Who’s saying I’m not?”

“So, what did you say?” Katie tried to smile, self-consciously forcing her lips to curve. The semblance of normality was getting easier to fake with each day, but she still couldn’t get used to wearing plastic smiles.

“I asked what was wrong.”

Katie’s smile broadened just a bit more, her face aching with the strain and she tried to look suitably incredulous. “Why d’you think there’s something wrong?”

Michelle studied her for a couple more seconds, then smiled in return. “You’ve just been a bit quiet.”

“No, I’m fine.” The smile lasted as long as it took Michelle to turn back to the television and continue using the remote as a twirling baton. The film came back on and Katie looked on without watching, her brain working over her problems. She didn’t want to be the only person in the world who couldn’t smile.

*              *              *

The cool evening air was a sudden shock after the warm closeness of the theatre and Katie shivered, pulling her arms tightly around herself.

“Wasn’t that just so chi miao!” Michelle danced out of the exit, tapping her feet against the ground in an impressive clatter of steps that ended in an elaborate little spin and bow at the bottom. She looked up at her sister with a giant grin on her face, waiting for her acclamation.

Katie forced a small smile and followed her out onto the street. “Watch the road Mi.”

The smile sank from Michelle’s face and she looked up at her sister inquisitively. “Didn’t you enjoy it too?”

In truth, she hadn’t. A couple of months ago, she’d been unable to think of anything else but the impending show and had obsessively watched and rewatched all of his DVDs, preparing herself for finally getting to see her favourite stand-up’s new show. But today she’d just sat in the theatre and thought about how long it would be before they could leave.

“Of course I did! Didn’t you love the bit with the fly against the window?”

The smile returned to Michelle’s face at this sign of normality and she grabbed her sister’s arm, linking it with her own as they walked down the street, words skittering out of her mouth helter-skelter. “I know! I actually thought I was going to die when he was doing that bit. Literally – Could. Not. Breathe.”

Tears pricked at the back of Katie’s eyes as she listened to Michelle’s excited prattle. It was all her. The entire audience had been crying with laughter throughout the show and yet none of it had touched her in the slightest. It was all her.

“Katie?”

Katie snapped out of her reverie and turned to her sister. “Huh?”

“I asked what we were doing now.” Michelle’s face lit up and she skipped ahead, turning around so she faced her sister, bouncing around in front of her. “Can we go out some place? Show me this strange London thing called fun? Can we, can we, can we?”

For a brief second Katie was tempted. Maybe spending the evening out with the irrepressible energy source that was her little sister was just what she needed. Then reality shuttered down on her again. Nowhere little-sister-friendly would be open this time on a Saturday and she hadn’t the energy to go traipsing around London looking for fun that she wouldn’t even enjoy. It was too tiring trying to pretend to be cheerful.

“Do you mind if we don’t? There’s loads of weirdos out on Saturdays.”

Michelle stayed in front of her, the big grin still on her face. “I’m weird, everyone says so. We could fit right in!”

“I’ll take you out tomorrow, I promise. It’s too… I’m too tired to do much tonight. Can we just go back to mine?”

The last sentence came out as more of a plea than Katie had intended and she tried to cover with a half-smile that she hoped covered tiredness and cheerfulness at the same time. Michelle looked at her for half a second too long, her head cocked to one side, before returning the smile.

“It’s okay. Just something I’ll learn to deal with. Big girls don’t cry, ‘member?”

Katie broadened her smile as she let her sister take her arm again and tried not to think about anything at all.

*              *              *

“This is such a yu bun duh cliché!”

Katie paused her braiding and looked down at her sister. Michelle was sitting on the floor, her head bowed as she stared intently at a half-finished sketch. The pencil in her right hand twisted around with incredible speed, her long fingers moving sleekly and swiftly to guide it. She turned her head to look back up at her sister. “We’re actually sitting in on a Saturday night and braiding each other’s hair. I thought London was supposed to be all about the 24-7 craziness.”

“If you think you’re braiding my hair, then you’ve got another think coming,” Katie replied.

Michelle pulled a face and started twirling the pencil the other direction without any indication of effort. “You haven’t got enough to braid properly anymore anyway. How come you cut it so short?”

A rush of heat suffused Katie’s skin as memories of another night overwhelmed her, of tears burning in her eyes and unsteady hands hacking at the long hair that she’d been growing out since she was seventeen. She could still feel the pull of the scissors, the tug on her scalp, and the sharp, dirty pleasure of damaging herself.

“Ni cho lyen, yo may yo?”

Michelle was staring up at her, confusion writ large across her face and Katie realised that she’d let her mask slip. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s not nothing.” Michelle climbed up onto the bed beside her sister, moving carefully so as not to dislodge her half-completed braid from Katie’s hands. “You’ve had a worried face all weekend. Ni cho lyen, wah dan chin.”

“Mi, will you stop doing that!” The shout was out of her mouth before she could stop it and Michelle recoiled like a smacked puppy. She was suddenly on her feet, careless of her sister’s yelp as she grabbed at her hair to save the released braid, and the words kept coming regardless.

“I don’t speak Mandarin. I don’t speak French, or German, or Japanese, or Turkish. Not everybody is a goddamned genius Michelle! Not everybody gets to do their A-Levels three years early because they already know more than the bloody teachers! So, yes, I do look worried cause I’ve got things bothering me, like other, normal, human beings. It might be fun for you, going round just winning at everything you do, but the world doesn’t come easy to everybody. No matter how hard we try, things just keep falling apart. So I’m sorry if I can’t be Little Miss Funtime for you while my life is turning to shit, okay?”

In the wake of her rage, the room was very, very quiet.

Katie’s chest ached as her lungs struggled for air and every breath rasped loudly. Heat radiated from her skin in waves and every muscle was tensed, burning with restricted motion as she waited for Michelle to react, to scream back, to cry, to hate her forever and leave her alone in the darkness.

Instead, Michelle stretched out her hand and pointed. “What’re those?” she asked quietly.

It took a second for Katie to realise what she was talking about. Then she looked down at her wrist and at the four crimson gouges from the other night. Reasons, excuses and explanations came to the tip of her tongue, but, when she opened her mouth, all that came out was a deep, broken sob. Tears clouded her vision and she was vaguely aware of Michelle coming to her side. Then she fell into her little sister’s arms and sobbed until she couldn’t breathe.

*              *              *

“You awake?”

Katie closed her eyes tighter and tried to wish herself away. Her head was resting in her little sister’s lap and she could feel fingers stroking through her short hair. The tears had dried up, but she could still feel them burning below the surface of her calm, waiting to break through.

She didn’t want to be awake. She wanted to find herself in bed, waking up from a horrible nightmare. This wasn’t whom she was supposed to be.

Michelle’s fingers traced across the back of her wrist, lightly brushing across the violated skin. “What have you done to yourself, chin ai de jieh jieh?”

Katie pulled her hand away, tucking it under her body. “You don’t have to see that,” she whispered.

“Tyen shiao duh Katie, why?” Michelle’s voice cracked as the last word descended into a sob and Katie turned her face farther away. The aching in her chest was growing by the second and she couldn’t take another moment of her little sister’s hurt. Michelle laid her hand on Katie’s shoulder. “Why couldn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to see any of this.”

The words escaped Katie’s mouth before she could stop them. “This isn’t who I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to be gr… grown up and… and in charge and able to cope with things. I’m twenty-two and I’m supposed to be able to… This isn’t who I am. It can’t be, because I can’t take feeling like this any more and if…” The tears threatened to overwhelm her words, but Katie choked them back, coughing on the salt as she gulped for air, struggling to finish before the burning in her chest consumed her. “And if… if you see it, then it’s… it’s who I am. All I’ll be is a fuck-up. Nothing at all. And I don’t want to be n…noth…”

“Shhh, Katie.” Michelle placed a finger across her sister’s lips, cutting off the words before they dissolved to tears. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay! I don’t want to… to be a…”

Michelle’s hand gently tugged at Katie’s shoulder, pulling her over to look at her face. “D’you know what chin ai de jieh jieh means?”

A hysterical giggle came unbidden to Katie’s lips and escaped through the haze of tears. “Mi, I don’t know what any of the shit that you say means.”

“It’s what I’ve been calling you. You are my chin ai de jieh jieh. You are my beloved big sister and you take care of me. You’ve always taken care of me, even when you need taking care of yourself. You are strong and you are my sister and you will never, ever be nothing. That’s what it means. No matter what happens, you will always be my chin ai de jieh jieh.”

Katie’s lower lip trembled and tears brimmed in her eyes again, but this time they were accompanied by a very small smile. “How d’you know what to say? You’re just a tiny little girl.”

Michelle matched her smile. “Child prodigy, ‘member? I know everything.”

“Like you’d ever let me forget.” Katie’s smile faded slightly, as doubts assailed her again and she looked up at her sister again. “What if I can’t do this?”

Michelle gave her a wan smile and shuffled sideways towards the desk, stretching out a hand to grab something from the edge without getting up. Katie watched in puzzlement as she reached out to pull a pair of scissors into her grasp, snatching them up with a cry of triumph. Then, she reached behind her head and cut off her braid.

“Michelle! What’d you just do?”

Michelle held the long hanks of hair in front of her, a brazen grin spread wide across her face. “Ensured that we have to go to the hairdressers tomorrow?”

“But… you’ve been growing that braid since you were six.”

“And now I’m going to have short hair like you.” Michelle dropped the braid to the floor. “You’re going to be able to get through this. I know, because I’m going to help you with every bit.”

She leaned forward and kissed Katie on the forehead. “You’re not alone, chin ai de jieh jieh. Don’t ever think you are. No matter what, you’ll always have me.”

*              *              *

Katie looked at the practise paper again, just to recheck that she couldn’t even begin a single one of the questions. She had the books open in front of her to the relevant chapters, and she still couldn’t even guess at what the examiner wanted from her.

She dropped her head to her hands and closed her eyes as tears pressed up behind them. She’d been studying for nearly three days straight and she was still no closer to passing her exams. She was going to fail. Again.

Her lip trembled as she thought about what the hell she could do. If she failed these exams again, there was no way they’d let her back on the course next year. No uni would take her on a different course and she couldn’t afford to stay in London if she wasn’t a student. She had nowhere to go, nothing to do, no way…

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, forcing herself to calm, pushing the fear and panic away, just for a brief second. Then she opened the second desk drawer and emptied the contents carefully out onto the desk.

There was a small lock of braided mousy-brown hair. There was a small badge, bearing the legend “You try it, and my sister will beat you up.” There was a photo of two girls standing outside a hairdressers, both sporting brand-new pixie cuts. And there was a piece of paper that was folded over and over into a small square.

Katie opened it with trembling fingers and read the words out loud, forcing her mouth around the strange syllables.

“Ni jien mei, jiang hway mei hao. Ni bu chiong.”

Even though she knew it off by heart, she still turned the paper over to read the other side. “You are beautiful and strong and you will be fine. You are not alone.”

Katie put the envelope away and took a deep breath. “Ni bu chiong,” she whispered to herself. Then she turned back to her work.

Author’s Note: I owe great thanks to Xinxin Zhang and Pearlia for acting as translators for most of the Mandarin. Any glaring errors are almost certainly where I’ve had to go it alone through time constraints and have probably ended up accidentally ordering fried eggs and chips.

Glossary:

Hun2dan4 (hwoon dahn) – Bastard
Da4 bian4hua4, bu2 shi4 ma (Da bien hwa, boo shi mah?) - A really big change, isn’t it?
Wan2 mei3 wu2 que1 (Wan mei woo che) – Perfect and without blemish
Huo3 che1 zhan4 (hu-oche zan) – Train station
Mei2 yi4 si (mei yi si) – Uninteresting, boring
Shi2 quan2 shi2 mei3 (shi chuan shi mei) – Nothing short of perfect
Yu2 chun3 (yu chun) – Silly, stupid
Qing1wa1 cao4 de liu2mang2 (ching-wah cao duh liou mang) – Frog-humping bastard
Qin1 ai4 de jie3 jie (chin ai de jieh jieh) – Beloved elder sister (very respectful title)
Ni3 mei2 shi4 ba4? (Ni mei shi ba?) – Are you okay?
Qi2 miao4 (Chi miao) – fantastic
Yu2 ben4 de (Yu bun duh) - stupid
Ni3 chou2 lian3, you mei3 you (Ni cho lyen, yo may yo) – Do you have a worried face?
Ni3 chou2 lian3, wo3 dan1 xin1 (Ni cho lyen, wah dan chin) – Your worried face worries me
Ni3 xing3 bu4 xing3? (Ni chyung bu chyung?) – Are you awake?
Tian1 xiao3de2 (Tyen shiao duh) – For God’s sake, In the name of all that’s sacred
Ni3 jian4 mei3, jiang hui mei hao. Ni3 bu4 qiong2 (Ni jien mei, jiang hway mei hao. Ni bu chiong) – You are beautiful and strong, you will be okay. You are not alone.

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